kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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