i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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