Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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