At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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