I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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