And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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