all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
