Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
