you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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