it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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