I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Randomize
