I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
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