i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
