On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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