remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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