nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
