I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My ass is underappreciated
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
