you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
