you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
