So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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