Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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