In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
