update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
