I am puke
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
