She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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