your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
