Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
