It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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