I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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