dude i'm inner monologue high
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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