I wanna bring you to show and tell
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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