I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
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