im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
