Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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