Your face is a jimmy john
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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