yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
