Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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