I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
