I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
