and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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