My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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