I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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