The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Randomize
