I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
