she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Randomize
