Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
