I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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