You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
