is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
