I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
